BIRMINGHAM: THE UNIVERSITY OF LIFE
Back in Nineteen Seventy Six
When the Hot Sun baked the broiling Bricks
And Denis Howell MP for Small Heath
Was ‘Minister for Drought’ in the searing heat
He urged us all to bathe together
And not run round ‘Hell for Leather’
I went from Birmingham Grammar School Boy
To the University in Edgbaston with Unbridled Joy
This Bright but Callow Bearwood Lad
Became a Birmingham Undergrad
Studying B.Com in the Muirhead Tower
Where The Paternoster Lifts ran Hour after Hour
Perpetual Motion taking ‘Tortured Souls’
To jump off this Brutalist Muirhead Coil
When Exams in Accounts became too much to Toil
Doctor Peter Cain my ancient Tutor
Urged this Fresh man to use the first Punch-Card Computer
This Student donned a Great Coat and Scarf
And would do anything for a ‘Belly Laugh’
Like Read the Communist Manifesto
At Peter Cain’s educated behest….Oh!
Marx and Engels to the Fore
As all us Students fought ‘The Class War’!
David Lodge’s ‘Nice Work’ if you can gerrit…..?
Made University Life seem so decrepit
To study Accounts was my Forte
Or so I often thought…..Eh….?
But when The Doubts began to creep in
And my ‘Number Blindness’ started to seep in
To my youthful callow consciousness
With such dire unfortunate consequences
My exam time worry started to show
And I was struck such a Mortal Blow
When I failed my Exams in Stats and Maths
But Tutor Cain set me on a Different Path
To study Law and forget the Math
Peter told me I still had a Bright Future
No longer for me the Statistical Torture!
For this Rugby-Playing Muddied Oaf
On the Bournbrook pitches…. I used my Loaf
And played for the University First Fifteen
As an Eighteen Year Old Flyaway Flanker
I made my debut for my Alma Mater
Where my Rugby defined me as a Young Man
Without any sort of discernible plan
The First Fifteen I played in October ‘76
Before I even made my debut for The Old Dix!!!!!
Julia Honeychurch was my squeeze
Back in Strathcona we ‘Shot the Breeze’!
Mick’s Café’s Race and Carnival
Was what defined me as a pal
A ‘Belly-Buster Breakfast’ and a pint of Guinness
The aim not to throw up at the Breathless Finish
A Two Mile Run from the Student’s Union
Down to Heeley Road and a date with Oblivion
Where Bacon and Egg were downed with Glee
Before running back to ‘The Mermaid in The See’
That’s when it all went ‘Pete Tong’ for me
As I threw up and my Salad Days
Became Carrots and Peas
And I was in an Alcoholic Daze
While on my knees
All good fun to raise ‘Cash for Carnival’
I was no longer a ‘Freshman Virgin’ in High Hall….!!!!!